The Wall

So, about 3 weeks ago it felt like I had hit that proverbial wall. The Wall is usually something spoken about by marathon runners and other long distance athletes. Its that moment when you go from cruising along to suddenly feeling like you have run head first into a concrete barrier. The Wall can be physical, and it can also be psychological. In South Africa many of us have six foot high walls around our property, designed to keep our loved ones in and "baddies" out. Walls are not always bad, they can help to designate boundaries, to protect and to create privacy. However, like most things, when something is no longer effective, and no longer helping you to achieve goals then maybe its time to consider a change.
My wall that I hit was partly physical, mostly psychological. I just ran out of oomph. I didn't feel like updating my blog, going for a run seemed as hard as going to Mars, in fact just getting out of bed every morning took an enormous amount of effort. If it wasn't for the laughter of my house mates precious daughter echoing down the passage my afternoon naps may have carried on for the whole weekend. And lets face it, the giggles of an eight year old (sorry almost nine) are infectious.

Anyway, back to my wall... I was tired, demotivated, kept getting headaches and was just feeling uninspired. The wall that I had hit was protecting me from being hurt in that I was isolating myself from others, it was giving me safety and peace and privacy, but was also resulting in a feeling of emptiness. It was time to get that hammer out and knock down some bricks...

So I did, I got back out there, meeting new people and participating in the activities of the world. I was in the newspaper last week, and it is amazing how many of the patients are cheering me on. Life is what it is, and it is filled with hope and love if we are prepared to let down our guards (within reason!!)

I see it in my patients here too, how they also "hit the wall". After taking treatment for several months, putting up with vomiting, painful injections, hospital food (which I must say does look and smell really good, but can never taste like what is made with love at home), separation from family...they sometimes too just feel that they can't keep going. Getting out of bed becomes difficult, every day just becomes the same as the other and finding a reason to keep fighting is not always easy. They build psychological wall of dissatisfaction and feelings of helplessness and hopelessness, and often try overcome these feelings by moving away from the physical walls of the hospital. They run away, or abscond completely, or give up and stop taking their treatment, or just escape in a bottle of beer...

There is no simple solution, I am sure I will hit a completely different "wall" on Kilimanjaro. For now I am going to focus on doing the best that I can everyday. I firmly believe that with sufficient funding, and with the patients realizing that they are not forgotten and that people out there do care, that we can empower our patients with skills that will lead to a greater sense of purpose, and ensure that families are able to visit each other to offer support.

Please help me to help them by donating at www.tbhivcare.org and choose the cause Kileighmanjaro.vs.TB

Thanks